Reflections on Mother's Day

So many days I've wanted to pick the phone up and call you...to tell you something funny, or to cry on your shoulder about the hard and confounding things in my life. I cannot believe that two years have now gone by. So much has changed, and yet this life for me goes on for now.

I found the lock of your hair that I saved the day you died. I remembered that in 'the olden days' you told me people used to do that; so in the final moments as I said, 'Goodbye for now,' I cut a piece of your hair. I remember as a tiny girl, I wanted nothing more to comfort me as I was drifting off to sleep than to twirl your long, thick, brunette hair. The tactile sense of your softness; the coolness of the strands, running though my small fingers...Holding you close, and now, as I'm sure you were very tired from your long day--needing desperately to stand upright instead of bending over my bed, I would beg you for "one more twirl, Mama." And you did, because you were selfless, always in that way. And selfless in so many more...

Suddenly now, as the filtered sun reflects off the glass table on my patio, there are songs of many birds. Strangely, I didn't hear them until moments ago. Oh, how you loved birds -- and knew so many by name! I recall, you would point to some of the unusual ones, and tell us what they were if we were on a trip, to a far away place.

And flowers! You always knew the names of the flowers in neighbor's yards, or on the highways; in the mountains or down by the beach. You knew the names of the flowers. I was always very impressed. Little did it occur to me that you spent many hours reading gardening and landscaping books; I just always thought you knew them because you were so smart. :) And of course, you were one of the most intelligent and caring women I've ever known. I probably didn't say that enough; in fact, I know I didn't.

I went through my early years and my teenage life being oh so miserable - but it was not because of you, or anything you did, Mom. I'm certain you just always loved me -- although I know I must have left you bewildered and perplexed, at times. Probably more often than not. I wasn't the easiest kid to raise, but you did your best -- and that was definitely good enough...no, it was great!

I'm the woman I am today, because you always believed in me -- because you always, prayerfully I imagine, lifted me up before God. You did enough to try to guide me in my youth, actively seeking to be involved in my school, and in any of my interests. You were not only my leader, but the leader, mentor and "second-Mom" to so many. Your house was always open, your heart was always full, your soul was always willing and your arms -- your arms were open so very wide!

I miss you, Mom -- and on this Mother's Day, as in so many days gone by now, I will remember your laughter; I will remember your tears. I will rejoice in the Lord that He saw fit to give you to me -- and that He has now taken you back home.

The memory of you, as my sweet, sweet Mom will carry me through my selfish, sad times of missing you more than I can say. Until we meet again in Heaven, I will love you forever...

Abandoning a Dream?

I just looked back at the absence of things that I could've written about in 2010. The thought occured to me: am I abandoning a dream? The year, as others now gone by, has passed away before me. A mere moment, in a blink. 2010 is gone forever. Although I have undergone many changes, and endured many struggles, I know I am not alone in them. They are a part of our collective humanity. But, I have to ask myself: am I abandoning a dream?

What dream? Do I have only one? The answer is certainly no, not just one! There are so many more things to accomplish on my 'bucket list'. But the biggest, and certainly one that has burned the longest is that of writing. Of getting a message out to the world. Of putting my stamp out there. Of sharing my secret thoughts and ambitions; and of listening to the crowds of people that I have yet to meet -- and to call my friends.

Am I abandoning a dream? Will I let 2011 be yet another year go by without so much a whimper of words settled upon a page - even if only in the e-clouds? Will I continue to plod on with the stories, and works that float around in my head? Those that are but outlines on the pages of my years of journals? This can be the year. This is now a need.

Have you abandoned any dreams? Which ones will you resurrect? I would love to hear from you, my friend, that I just haven't met yet. God help me, and help you, to rekindle our dreams in 2011.